More Kids

Who should be in control? Parent or child?

Human babies, as the most dependent of all animal young, are
equipped with cries which represent their in-built fear of abandonment
and elicit care from their parents.  This is part of the attachment process.

The main goal of attachment in early parenting is to maintain contact for survival.
The child would be content to remain in the parent’s arms.

HOWEVER
for children to grow toward being independent adults –
parents KNOW their children need:

to feed and sleep well…
by ‘separating’ feeding from contact needs
by letting them learn to go to sleep and resettle by themselves
assured that their parents are close by

for parents to manage responsible parenting they need
sufficient sleep
AND
time to attend to their living needs

Thus, the child learns emotional regulation, self-soothing to manage the in-built cries…
‘I am safe to sleep… my parents will come when I need’

The quality of this early attachment
provides the foundation for the child’s developing sense of Self
which determines behavioral patterns which can last a life-time…

in-tune attachment + early emotional regulation
providing
the cornerstone of emotional resilience

Parents conveying unconditional caring for the child to feel safe
and
who teach self discipline – children not always getting what they want –
promotes the development of emotionally resilient capable adults who know

I’m OK all the time…  even when things don’t go my way

Parents who are frequently unavailable or otherwise engaged, the child must find strategies to promote some sense of feeling secure.  When extreme these patterns reflect, so-called, Personality Disorders…  insecure avoidant attachment .

when the parent is unavailable through depression or being absent the child’s unmet security need triggers protest – ‘I’m here, please attend to me’.  If this is frequently triggered the sense of dependency is not resolved and this can remain a pattern in relationships through life as the adult feels…

I’m Not-OK, I need you to care for me…  ambivalent attachment

when parents are unavailable through their relationship problems, regularly expressing aggression, children’s abandonment fears are further exacerbated and they withdraw to find some safety by themselves.  If this is frequently triggered the child is less trusting of others and can maintain an independent pattern in relationships through life as the adult feels…

I’m Not-OK, I need you but I can only rely on me…

when parents abuse their children, the innate need for security is confused as the child continues to seek care from someone who hurts them.  ‘Please love me but I’m frightened of you’ triggers a disorganized pattern of alternating protest and withdrawal which can be maintained in relationships through life as the adult feels…

I’m Never-OK, I can never trust anyone but I need them…  disorganised attachment